Anon's short stories!
I will be posting my stories here. Criticism is welcomed.
yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay
i've been trying to get back into writing myself. good luck!
Character(s) in this story
*Marie
————————————————————————–
*Passive Days #1*
In a small town of undisclosed it is drizzling. There lives a girl name Marie. She is 20 years old. Lives by herself in a petite house and overall an "interesting person".
"The sound of rainfall hitting my roof is so pleasant in the morning." said Marie. "It is almost as if the God's of weather is telling me that I should slumber a bit more". It was almost noon. "I better not today." She gets up from her bed which was actually just a very large corn mat that she planned to use as a sort of rug. Then she thought if it felt good to walk over with bare feet it should be good enough to use as a temporary bed. "My habit of tossing and turning is ruining my back." It was not very well thought out. She slowly rolls it up and uses an old belt to constrict her bed. "Jeez, I didn't realize it was this late already. I better make something to eat before my energy is depleted."
Marie opens her door being careful not to stub her toe again and walks to the kitchen. She opens the fridge and finds that she only had a couple of slices of bacon and one brown and white egg. "I knew I should have went shopping yesterday, but I was so busy that I couldn't find the time to do so". She was enthralled in the new Serpent Journey game that came out last week. "I guess I'll have an exotic breakfast today then!". She mixes both eggs in a small bowl and takes a frying pan from the oven and turns the burner on to heat up the frying pan. She then puts the bacon onto the frying pan and admires the crackles it produces. "I wonder what the weather will be like in the afternoon". She grabs the remote from her table and powers on the television. "The bacon looks done, I'll just go ahead and pour in the eggs". She mixes both together and it looks like something just thrown together at the last minute. "Today's weather report for May 9th is showers all day with it clearing up around 8 pm. Please be take all precautions and take a umbrella if you're planning to go outside." says the weatherman. "coming up in the next half hour-" The television seems to have been turned off by Marie. "Now I really wish I went shopping yesterday" says Marie. She grabs a nearby clean plate and nudges the eggs and bacon off the frying pan and sets the food on the table. She sits down on the chair and stares into her creation. She grabs a fork and quickly eats her breakfast like she hasn't eaten anything since yesterday afternoon. "Yummy!" she shouts at the delight of eating an exotic breakfast.
After devouring her breakfast she places her plate into the sink. "There's always time later to wash it. I need to put on some outside clothes" She walks back to her room and opens her closet. "Hmm... shorts and T-shirts are really the only things I like to wear. I should wear something more my age but I just find these to be the most comfortable." She changes out of the track pants and large white t-shirt. Marie wasn't a tall person. She was only 157 cm. "I don't look half bad in this outfit at all. If I was just a bit taller I'd look like a model you see in the paper advertising life insurance." She stares at the mirror some more and tries to comb her long blond hair with her fingers. Then notices her clock in the room and sees that it was already 12:26 pm. "Whoops. I didn't know it was this late already. I really need to head out now." She walks out of her room and heads for the door leading to the outside world. "I can't find my rain coat. It must still be in the closet. I'll just have to make due with an umbrella and some rain boots". She slips on her brown rain boots and grabs her green umbrella. "Ah. I can't forget my wallet. It would be embarrassing for me again to hold up the line at the market only to realize I forgotten it at home. I placed it under my keys so it wouldn't happen again." She takes her keys and wallet and puts it in her pockets. Opens the door and looks at all the water being dropped from the sky."Today looks kind of nice outside."
Marie continues walking by the side of the road even knowing that cars don't often pass by in a small town like this. Though buses do pass by, but only in intervals of two hours. Marie spins her umbrella round and round to try to achieve the affect of sprinkler. The market she is walking to was about one kilometer away. She could get there much faster with her bike and save some time. Though she oddly prefers to walk to places and hardly ever uses it. "Walking really is the way to go and hearing the rain drops on my umbrella is enjoyable too." says Marie. Eventually Marie arrives at the market only to realize that she has only $15 in her wallet. "Ugh" Marie says with a grubbily look. "That's right. I've already spent most of my money already and I bought a game last week as well. I don't get paid until till tomorrow. That shouldn't really matter too much since I can just eat some eggs and rice. It'll be bland but at least I'll still have something to eat." After grabbing the ingredients she heads for the checkout lane. "This looks pretty interesting. Chocolate covered potato chips. I've never heard of putting chocolate and potatoes together before. It doesn't sound too appetizing but I still want to try it." After a short exchange of money she exits the market and makes her way back home.
Arriving back home. Marie slips off her rain boots and sets the bags on the floor and proceeds to head to the bathroom to drop her umbrella in the bathtub. She comes back and grabs the bags and heads to kitchen. "It's still a bit too early have lunch. And I'm not too hungry right now. I can combine lunch and dinner together so I don't have to cook more than twice today." She puts the food away not forgetting to snatch those chocolate chips before she walks out of the kitchen and heads back to her room. She looks at her clock to find that it is 2:36 pm. "Maybe I'll spend a little time grinding in Serpent Journey. I still have to navigate the dungeon and defeat the mini-boss." She turns on PS2, grabs the game controller, and presses the button on the TV to power it on. She opens the bag of chips and gazes into the screen. Hours goes by and she continues her adventure. She is past the point of defeating the main boss of the dungeon and now heads towards the next part of the game completely forgetting about cooking dinner.
END
>>45176
[0] In a small town of undisclosed[1] it is drizzling. There[2] lives a girl name Marie. She is 20 years old.[3] Lives[4] by herself in a petite[5] house and [6] overall an “interesting person”.
“The sound of rainfall hitting my roof is so pleasant in the morning.” said[7][8] Marie. “It is almost as if the God's[9] of weather is telling me that I should slumber a bit more”. It was almost noon. “I better not today.” [10] She gets up from her bed which was[11] actually just a very large corn mat that she planned to use as a sort of rug. Then she thought if it felt good to walk over with bare feet[12][13] it should be good enough to use as a temporary bed. “My habit of tossing and turning is ruining my back.” It[14] was not very well thought out. She slowly rolls it[15] up and uses an old belt to constrict her bed[15]. “Jeez, I didn't realize it was this late already. I better make something to eat before my energy is depleted.”
Marie opens her door being[16] careful not to stub her toe again[17] and walks to the kitchen. She opens the fridge and finds that she only had[18] a couple of slices of bacon and one brown and white egg[19]. “I knew I should have went[20] shopping yesterday, but I was so busy that I couldn't find the time to do so”. She was enthralled in[21] the new Serpent Journey game that came out last week. “I guess I'll have an exotic breakfast today then!”. She mixes both eggs in a small bowl and takes a frying pan from the oven and[22] turns the burner on to heat up the frying pan[23]. She then puts the bacon onto[24] the frying pan and admires the crackles[25] it produces. “I wonder what the weather will be like in the afternoon”. She grabs the remote from her table and powers on the television. “The bacon looks done, I'll just go ahead and pour[26] in the eggs”. She mixes both together and it looks like something just thrown together at the last minute[27]. “Today's weather report for May 9th is showers all day with[28] it clearing up around 8 pm. Please be take all precautions and take a[29] umbrella if you're planning to go outside.” says the weatherman. “coming[30] up in the next half hour-” The television seems to have been turned off[31] by Marie. “Now I really wish I went[32] shopping yesterday” says Marie. She grabs a nearby clean plate and[33] nudges the eggs and bacon off the frying pan and sets the food on the table. She sits down on the chair and stares into[34] her creation. She grabs a fork and quickly eats her breakfast like she hasn't eaten anything since yesterday afternoon[35]. “Yummy!” she shouts at the delight of eating an exotic breakfast.[36]
After devouring her breakfast she places her plate into the sink. “There's always time later to wash it[37]. I need to put on some outside[38] clothes” She walks back to her room and opens her closet. “Hmm… shorts and T-shirts are really the only things I like to wear. I should wear something more my age but I just find these to be the most comfortable.” She changes out of the track pants and large white t-shirt. Marie wasn't[39] a tall person. She was[39] only 157 cm. “I don't look half bad in this outfit at all. If I was just a bit taller I'd look like a[40] model you see in the paper advertising life insurance.” She stares at the mirror some more and tries to comb her long blond hair with her fingers. Then[41] notices her clock in the room and sees that it was[42] already 12:26 pm. “Whoops. I didn't know it was this late already. I really need to head out now.” She walks out of her room and heads for the door leading to the outside world[43]. “I can't find my rain coat. It must still be in the closet. I'll just have to make due with an umbrella and some rain boots”. She slips on her brown rain boots and grabs her green umbrella. “Ah. I can't forget my wallet. It would be embarrassing for me again[44] to hold up the line at the market only to realize I forgotten it at home. I placed it under my keys so it wouldn't happen again.” She takes her keys and wallet and puts it[45] in her pockets. [46]Opens the door and looks at all the water being dropped[47] from the sky.“Today looks kind of nice outside.[48]”
Marie continues walking by the side of the road even knowing that cars don't often pass by in a small town like this[49]. Though[50] buses do pass by, but only in intervals of two hours. Marie spins her umbrella round and round to try[51] to achieve the affect[52] of sprinkler. The market she is walking to was about one kilometer away. She could get there much faster with her bike and save some time. Though[53] she oddly prefers to walk to places and hardly ever uses it. “Walking really is the way to go and hearing the rain drops on my umbrella is enjoyable too.” says Marie. Eventually Marie arrives at the market only to realize that she has only[54] $15 in her wallet. “Ugh” Marie says[55] with a grubbily[56] look. “That's right. I've already spent most of my money already[57] and I bought a game last week as well. I don't get paid until till[58] tomorrow. That shouldn't really matter too much since I can just eat some eggs and rice. It'll be bland but at least I'll still have something to eat.” After grabbing the ingredients she heads for the checkout lane. “This looks pretty interesting. Chocolate covered potato chips. I've never heard of putting chocolate and potatoes together before. It doesn't sound too appetizing but I still want to try it.” After a short exchange of money she exits the market and makes her way back home.
Arriving back home.[59] Marie slips off her rain boots and[60] sets the bags on the floor and proceeds to head to the bathroom to drop her umbrella in the bathtub. She comes back and[61] grabs the bags and heads to kitchen. “It's still a bit too early [62] have lunch. [63] And I'm not too hungry right now. I can combine lunch and dinner together so I don't have to cook more than twice today.” She puts the food away [64] not forgetting to snatch those chocolate chips before she walks out of the kitchen and heads back to her room. She looks at her clock to find that it is 2:36 pm. “Maybe I'll spend a little time grinding in Serpent Journey. I still have to navigate[65] the dungeon and defeat the mini-boss.” She turns on [66] PS2, grabs the game controller, and presses the button on the TV to power it on. She opens the bag of chips and gazes into the screen. Hours goes[67] by and[68] she continues her adventure. She is past the point of defeating the main boss of the dungeon[69] and now heads towards the next part of the game [70] completely forgetting about cooking dinner.
[0] Most of the story is in present tense. This is a bit unusual. Usually stories are told in past tense, in order to avoid awkward kludges where you need to mix tenses. It just so happens that this stories also contains such kludges, as you'll see.
[1] What does that mean? Is the town itself undisclosed, or the surrounding region? In the former case, the sentence is not grammatically correct. It should be "In a small, undisclosed town it is drizzling". But I don't understand why you wrote 'undisclosed' at all. Just... don't mention a name at all? Or does it have some significance that we don't know the name? It doesn't seem like it, so... why?
[2] This sentence order is awkward. Try "A girl named Marie lives there". Though that's still not a great sentence, to be honest.
[3] Why not contract the two sentences? "A twenty year old girl named Marie lives there."
[4] Missing subject. Fix: "She lives [..]"
[5] The thesaurus is a dangerous beast. Handle with care! Better words would be: tiny, small, or depending on your aimed nuance: meagre, teeny.
[6] Missing subject. Possible fixes: "and she is an overall [..]", "and overall she is an [..]"
[7] Wait what? Why is it suddenly past tense?
[8] Who is she speaking to? Does she just have a weird quirk of speaking to herself out loud? If so, that probably deserves further explanation. If not, inner monologue should use words like thinking, pondering, musing, imagining, and so forth.
[9] "as if the God is of weather is telling me" is not a grammatically feasible sentence. Drop the 's.
[10] Overall you're often just throwing in quotes without turning them into actual sentences. This is bad style. Always incorporate quotes into a sentence.
[11] Past tense slipping in again, unless you mean to tell us the bed suddenly disappeared into thin air.
[12] Would probably be better as "it felt good to walk over bare foot"
[13] Missing comma.
[14] Lost reference. Should be something like "Her plan was not very well thought out."
[15] Reference kludge again. Proposed fix: "She slowly rolls the mat up and uses and old belt to constrict it."
[16] Drop the "being" and add a comma instead: "Marie opens her door, careful not to stub her toe [..]"
[17] We don't know of the previous instance of her stubbing her toe, so the "again" feels weird. Drop it, or add it as a full, explanatory sentence afterwards.
[18] Tensessss!!!!
[19] I haven't heard of eggs that are brown and white before. Note: English requires repeating the quantifier in listings: "one brown and one white egg"
[20] Bad tense. Should be: "I knew I should have gone [..]"
[21] The proper construction for "enthralled" is "to be enthralled by something".
[22] And and and and and! Use commas and other coupling words! "She mixes both eggs in a small bowl, takes a frying pan from the oven, and turns the burner on to heat it up."
[23] Duplicate mention. See [22] for a fix.
[24] Bad preposition. You put things /into/ a pan.
[25] This feels a bit awkward to me as a noun. Suggestion: use a verb instead "[..] and admires the crackling it produces." Alternatively, restructure the sentence: "[..] and admires how it crackles."
[26] I'm not sure if "pouring" is a good verb to use in relation to eggs. Maybe simply "adding" would work better.
[27] This is... uh. Not how you should do descriptions. We already know she just threw it together, and this description doesn't really make it any more specific. How about something like: "[..] it looks rather messy." Substitute whatever you like better for "messy".
[28] Odd conjunction. How about "[..] showers all day, but it should start to clear up [..]"
[29] If the following word begins with a vowel (or sounds like it would), use 'an'.
[30] Beginnings of sentences should be capitalised.
[31] Guess what: Tenses.
[32] Bad tense. "[..] wish I had gone [..]"
[33] And again and again and again. Are you scared of commas? They're your best friends! "She grabs a nearby clean plate, nudges the eggs and bacon off the frying pan, and sets the food on the table."
[34] Does she have X-Ray vision or is her meal some kind of twisted cavernous structure that has holes to stare into? Use "at" to look at something.
[35] So... she /has/ eaten since yesterday afternoon? How about this instead: "She grabs a fork and gorges the food down as if she hadn't eaten for days".
[36] Uh. That's just a really bad sentence. "[..] she shouts in delight." would probably have been much better.
[37] Bad order. "There's always time to wash it later."
[38] That is not an adjective applicable to clothes, unless the clothes just happen to be outside, which most definitely was not your intent. The word is "outdoor".
[39] THE TENSES. THEY FLUCTUATE!
[40] Instead of "a", "one of these" (+ plural) would fit better.
[41] Pull the sentences together with a comma and add in a subject: "[..] with her fingers, then she notices [..]"
[42] Oh boy.
[43] What an odd thing to write. Are we in Narnia or something? Just write "[..] leading outside".
[44] You probably should put this "again" at the end of the sentences, since this probably doesn't mean what you meant to say. As it is, the sentence means: "I'll embarrass myself again if I forget my wallet. Most likely by holding up the line". If you put it at the end it means: "I'll embarrass myself if I hold up the line again because I forgot my wallet."
[45] They're multiple items, so it needs a plural.
[46] Missing subject.
[47] Are people dumping water from the roofs or something? Rain /falls/ from the sky.
[48] Odd structure. How about: "It looks kind of nice outside today."
[49] This is a bit confusing to me. Are you implying that people would just start walking on the road? I certainly don't, even if not that many cars go by.
[50] You already have the interjection of "but" later on. Drop this one.
[51] This might just be me, but I really like commas: "[..] round and round, trying to achieve [..]"
[52] "affect" as a noun does not mean what you think it does. You want "effect".
[53] "Though" does not fit here. Try "however".
[54] Awkward repetition of "only". Try "just" instead in this case.
[55] English has such a nice and rich vocabulary, make use of it! Marie groans, moans, sighs, grumbles.
[56] Are you sure you know what this word means? <http://www.thefreedictionary.com/grubbily>
[57] One of those "already"s is too much.
[58] It's "until" or "till", but not both.
[59] Your fear of commas is astounding. "Arriving back home, Marie slips off her rain boots [..]"
[60] Your usage of "and"s is astounding. "[..] boots, sets the bags on the floor, and proceeds [..]"
[61] Again already? See [60].
[62] You are missing a "to".
[63] Join sentences together! Don't use conjunctions at the beginning of a sentence unless you really know what you're doing!
[64] A missing comma, lost in the wilderness. Probably eaten by hungry word sharks by now. A truly tragic tale.
[65] Does anyone that actually plays games seriously use the word "navigate" for a dungeon? What is this, a sailing game?
[66] Missing determiner. Add "the" or "her".
[67] A car goes by. Multiple cars go by.
[68] You probably want "as" here instead of "and".
[69] This is pretty awkward of a constellation. Past tense would be better. "She defeated the main boss and [..]"
[70] Another lost comma.
So... how do we conclude this all. I suppose I should start out by saying that this isn't that bad of a start. There are a lot of basic writing mistakes in here, but those are rather easy to fix if you just get used to writing and keep yourself on the lookout for these kinds of mistakes. Read everything you wrote again at least once and make sure it all reads and flows naturally. You should be able to pick up on a lot of mistakes by yourself that way. The most serious flaw in this is that you mixed your tenses. Always tell a story in the past tense unless you really seriously know what you're doing, or it'll very easily lead to awkward and strange tense mixups. As I've also mentioned, the dialogue is rather weird to read as it isn't integrated into proper sentences most of the time, and when it is it gives the impression of her talking out loud, which makes the situation weird to read since she's just talking to herself all the time, instead of thinking. Now, regarding the story itself, it seems rather reflective of your own lifestyle. Which is fine, nothing wrong with that. After all, inspiration has to be drawn from somewhere. What I would like to know more of is... well, what kind of person is Marie? Does she have any friends? Why does she (seemingly?) live alone in an apartment just playing games all day? Does she have a job? How does she interact with other people? What is the town she lives in like outside of it being small? How did she get there? There's a lot that you can expand on, so I'll be looking forward to further parts in this. If you don't want to continue with this story, then that's fine too though. Let's see what else you can come up with in that case.
Urd's short summer
Written by anon
DAY ONE
"Where does one go when one ceases to breathe, what happens to the soul; if it exists of course. Questions such as these hinders the minds of man. You too, can explore those questions by signing up at our website for a low fee of $3.99/month!" said Urd. "There's always a catch with these ads. They target the people who have uneventful lives, thinking there is something hidden from the eyes of the public. What I am the most interested in this ad is that picture of a flaming skull on the flag that the person is holding. Who in their right mind would advertise something with a skull that didn't have a Mohawk or some swords behind it. Then again, I might be biased because I think the biker gang in our town have a much better skull as their logo on their jackets. Ah shoot, the library is going to close in 30 minutes. I haven't even picked a book to do a report on. I'll just check the cart and pick out the first thing that looks the most interesting. I will use my haste ability to give myself a boost!" Urd throws books left and right without much care of the mistreatment of the books. "I think I found the perfect book, it has a picture of a bat with three eyes. The title of it is... I can't really make it out, it looks like it was rubbed off. Well, I have run out of time and must check this book out immediately before they close the front desk." Urd cut through the people in her way, checks out the book, and hurry's out the door with the small book in her pocket.
"Phew, what a day! I haven't had to move around this much since last week in gym class. It hasn't even been a day since summer vacation started. I wasn't really planning on leaving my room until it was time for school to begin, which is about 3 months away from now. I really am lucky that I didn't do terrible this year, my folks would've killed me. I'm just glad they won't find out my grades until they come back from their own vacation. It is funny that they just left without any concern about leaving their 13 year old daughter alone at home, but at least I can enjoy staying up all night and sleeping all day. I can literally do whatever I want until their return, which come to think of it, I don't recall when they said they will be coming back..." Urd continued to walk home until she spotted the convenience store. "I will need some supplies if I'm ever going to survive." Urd entered the store and looks around the aisle for some instant food. "Frozen food hasn't let me down just yet. They are even having a special on the stores brand. I don't really know if it'll be as good as the name brand, but it's cheap and it is three for five dollars." Urd grabs three different kinds of TV dinners and heads for the register. After short exchange with the employee she leaves the store and heads home.
"The weather hasn't been too bad in Nople, it doesn't feel very cold compared to yesterday. Although I do love it when it snows, the feeling of stepping on a fresh pile of snow is simply wonderful. However, it's only second to the sharp pain of snow hitting the face when the wind blows." Urd soon arrives at her house and goes inside. "It is way to quiet in this house. My dad would be in the garage fixing up his car and mom would be in the living room watching her soap operas. Wait a second... who am I even talking to anyway?" Urd walks to the kitchen, puts the bags on the table, and grabs one of the TV dinners out of the bag. "I know I should eat this later, but I just have to try it out, maybe it won't be so bad." Urd takes out the TV dinner tray, pokes holes in the plastic, and puts it in the microwave for four-and-a-half minutes. "I always like to stare at the plate moving in a circular motion. It's something a kid would do, like staring into the ovens window to check the roast or watching the washing machine as it spins. Urd stares for the full duration of the cooking process and takes out the TV dinner using an oven glove. "It doesn't look that bad, but it certainly doesn't look like anything like the food on the cover. Why does the meat look like a brownie cake?" Suddenly the food starts to starts to rumble and steam. Urd watches in horror that her meal is moving violently. "Wha- why is this happening? Did I cook it for too long? or was I not suppose to poke holes in the plastic?? I don't know!" The TV dinner blows up the house killing Urd as she stood by it.
"Ugh.. what just happened?" Urd wakes up in some sort of dimension that doesn't seem to have anything. She looks around trying to find anything but fails to find it. She covers her face with her hands and starts to scream. "WHAT KIND OF WORLD IS THIS?!!? WHY DID I END UP IN THIS PLACE" Urd yelled this and it produced an echo. "Have I truly gone mad? Is this where the dead end up? Just to wander alone in a void by yourself? I just don't understand!" Urd goes into a fettle position and starts to sob quietly. "Isn't this what you wanted?" said a voice in the distant. "... Huh? who said that?" Urd sits up and wipes her tears. "Who was that? Please don't leave me, I don't want to be alone. It's only been a couple of minutes, but it already feels like an eternity in this place. I don't want to be alone... show me something, anything! I just want to leave this place!" Urd hears something behind her and finds a giant door. "This is... a door? It wasn't here before... who cares, it's my way out of this purgatory. Urd uses all her strength but still could not open the door. "WHY! Why God! Why am I so weak that I can't even budge the door an inch!" Urd struggles to open the door and falls back in the process. "It's no use, I don't have the power to open this door." A key Suddenly falls out the sky and hits Urd's head. "A key? Maybe this will work" Urd was about to put the key into the keyhole and stops. "Why does the air feel so heavy?" Urd turns around and finds a person in a shroud. "Are you certain that you want to go through that door?" The person said. "Is there something wrong with trying to get out of this horrible place? What reason do I have to stay in a place like this!?" said Urd. "I ask, because if you go through that door, you'll never come back to this place again" said the shrouded person. "Yes, and what is your point?" Urd retorted. The shrouded person stood silent. "I don't want to hear anymore silly questions, I'm heading out of this place once and for all!" Urd shouted while unlocking the door and heads inside with the door closing behind her. "..." the shrouded person is still silent. "I couldn't convince her to stay here". The shrouded person walks in the opposite direction on the door and disappears into the void leaving behind a book with a bat with three eyes on the cover.
"...ugh" Urd says while rubbing her eyes. "Where am I now?" Urd looks in front of her to find many palm trees. "This is different, but at least it's not that void. I wonder if the door is still there." Urd turns around and finds more palm trees. "It should still be there, but it's not? I feel something in my pocket" Urd checks her back pocket and finds a key-ring. "Where did this come from? This is all too confusing" Urd finds the nearest palm tree and sits besides it. She slowly closes her eyes and drifts away to sleep.