Critique
>>45176
[0] In a small town of undisclosed[1] it is drizzling. There[2] lives a girl name Marie. She is 20 years old.[3] Lives[4] by herself in a petite[5] house and [6] overall an “interesting person”.
“The sound of rainfall hitting my roof is so pleasant in the morning.” said[7][8] Marie. “It is almost as if the God's[9] of weather is telling me that I should slumber a bit more”. It was almost noon. “I better not today.” [10] She gets up from her bed which was[11] actually just a very large corn mat that she planned to use as a sort of rug. Then she thought if it felt good to walk over with bare feet[12][13] it should be good enough to use as a temporary bed. “My habit of tossing and turning is ruining my back.” It[14] was not very well thought out. She slowly rolls it[15] up and uses an old belt to constrict her bed[15]. “Jeez, I didn't realize it was this late already. I better make something to eat before my energy is depleted.”
Marie opens her door being[16] careful not to stub her toe again[17] and walks to the kitchen. She opens the fridge and finds that she only had[18] a couple of slices of bacon and one brown and white egg[19]. “I knew I should have went[20] shopping yesterday, but I was so busy that I couldn't find the time to do so”. She was enthralled in[21] the new Serpent Journey game that came out last week. “I guess I'll have an exotic breakfast today then!”. She mixes both eggs in a small bowl and takes a frying pan from the oven and[22] turns the burner on to heat up the frying pan[23]. She then puts the bacon onto[24] the frying pan and admires the crackles[25] it produces. “I wonder what the weather will be like in the afternoon”. She grabs the remote from her table and powers on the television. “The bacon looks done, I'll just go ahead and pour[26] in the eggs”. She mixes both together and it looks like something just thrown together at the last minute[27]. “Today's weather report for May 9th is showers all day with[28] it clearing up around 8 pm. Please be take all precautions and take a[29] umbrella if you're planning to go outside.” says the weatherman. “coming[30] up in the next half hour-” The television seems to have been turned off[31] by Marie. “Now I really wish I went[32] shopping yesterday” says Marie. She grabs a nearby clean plate and[33] nudges the eggs and bacon off the frying pan and sets the food on the table. She sits down on the chair and stares into[34] her creation. She grabs a fork and quickly eats her breakfast like she hasn't eaten anything since yesterday afternoon[35]. “Yummy!” she shouts at the delight of eating an exotic breakfast.[36]
After devouring her breakfast she places her plate into the sink. “There's always time later to wash it[37]. I need to put on some outside[38] clothes” She walks back to her room and opens her closet. “Hmm… shorts and T-shirts are really the only things I like to wear. I should wear something more my age but I just find these to be the most comfortable.” She changes out of the track pants and large white t-shirt. Marie wasn't[39] a tall person. She was[39] only 157 cm. “I don't look half bad in this outfit at all. If I was just a bit taller I'd look like a[40] model you see in the paper advertising life insurance.” She stares at the mirror some more and tries to comb her long blond hair with her fingers. Then[41] notices her clock in the room and sees that it was[42] already 12:26 pm. “Whoops. I didn't know it was this late already. I really need to head out now.” She walks out of her room and heads for the door leading to the outside world[43]. “I can't find my rain coat. It must still be in the closet. I'll just have to make due with an umbrella and some rain boots”. She slips on her brown rain boots and grabs her green umbrella. “Ah. I can't forget my wallet. It would be embarrassing for me again[44] to hold up the line at the market only to realize I forgotten it at home. I placed it under my keys so it wouldn't happen again.” She takes her keys and wallet and puts it[45] in her pockets. [46]Opens the door and looks at all the water being dropped[47] from the sky.“Today looks kind of nice outside.[48]”
Marie continues walking by the side of the road even knowing that cars don't often pass by in a small town like this[49]. Though[50] buses do pass by, but only in intervals of two hours. Marie spins her umbrella round and round to try[51] to achieve the affect[52] of sprinkler. The market she is walking to was about one kilometer away. She could get there much faster with her bike and save some time. Though[53] she oddly prefers to walk to places and hardly ever uses it. “Walking really is the way to go and hearing the rain drops on my umbrella is enjoyable too.” says Marie. Eventually Marie arrives at the market only to realize that she has only[54] $15 in her wallet. “Ugh” Marie says[55] with a grubbily[56] look. “That's right. I've already spent most of my money already[57] and I bought a game last week as well. I don't get paid until till[58] tomorrow. That shouldn't really matter too much since I can just eat some eggs and rice. It'll be bland but at least I'll still have something to eat.” After grabbing the ingredients she heads for the checkout lane. “This looks pretty interesting. Chocolate covered potato chips. I've never heard of putting chocolate and potatoes together before. It doesn't sound too appetizing but I still want to try it.” After a short exchange of money she exits the market and makes her way back home.
Arriving back home.[59] Marie slips off her rain boots and[60] sets the bags on the floor and proceeds to head to the bathroom to drop her umbrella in the bathtub. She comes back and[61] grabs the bags and heads to kitchen. “It's still a bit too early [62] have lunch. [63] And I'm not too hungry right now. I can combine lunch and dinner together so I don't have to cook more than twice today.” She puts the food away [64] not forgetting to snatch those chocolate chips before she walks out of the kitchen and heads back to her room. She looks at her clock to find that it is 2:36 pm. “Maybe I'll spend a little time grinding in Serpent Journey. I still have to navigate[65] the dungeon and defeat the mini-boss.” She turns on [66] PS2, grabs the game controller, and presses the button on the TV to power it on. She opens the bag of chips and gazes into the screen. Hours goes[67] by and[68] she continues her adventure. She is past the point of defeating the main boss of the dungeon[69] and now heads towards the next part of the game [70] completely forgetting about cooking dinner.
[0] Most of the story is in present tense. This is a bit unusual. Usually stories are told in past tense, in order to avoid awkward kludges where you need to mix tenses. It just so happens that this stories also contains such kludges, as you'll see.
[1] What does that mean? Is the town itself undisclosed, or the surrounding region? In the former case, the sentence is not grammatically correct. It should be "In a small, undisclosed town it is drizzling". But I don't understand why you wrote 'undisclosed' at all. Just... don't mention a name at all? Or does it have some significance that we don't know the name? It doesn't seem like it, so... why?
[2] This sentence order is awkward. Try "A girl named Marie lives there". Though that's still not a great sentence, to be honest.
[3] Why not contract the two sentences? "A twenty year old girl named Marie lives there."
[4] Missing subject. Fix: "She lives [..]"
[5] The thesaurus is a dangerous beast. Handle with care! Better words would be: tiny, small, or depending on your aimed nuance: meagre, teeny.
[6] Missing subject. Possible fixes: "and she is an overall [..]", "and overall she is an [..]"
[7] Wait what? Why is it suddenly past tense?
[8] Who is she speaking to? Does she just have a weird quirk of speaking to herself out loud? If so, that probably deserves further explanation. If not, inner monologue should use words like thinking, pondering, musing, imagining, and so forth.
[9] "as if the God is of weather is telling me" is not a grammatically feasible sentence. Drop the 's.
[10] Overall you're often just throwing in quotes without turning them into actual sentences. This is bad style. Always incorporate quotes into a sentence.
[11] Past tense slipping in again, unless you mean to tell us the bed suddenly disappeared into thin air.
[12] Would probably be better as "it felt good to walk over bare foot"
[13] Missing comma.
[14] Lost reference. Should be something like "Her plan was not very well thought out."
[15] Reference kludge again. Proposed fix: "She slowly rolls the mat up and uses and old belt to constrict it."
[16] Drop the "being" and add a comma instead: "Marie opens her door, careful not to stub her toe [..]"
[17] We don't know of the previous instance of her stubbing her toe, so the "again" feels weird. Drop it, or add it as a full, explanatory sentence afterwards.
[18] Tensessss!!!!
[19] I haven't heard of eggs that are brown and white before. Note: English requires repeating the quantifier in listings: "one brown and one white egg"
[20] Bad tense. Should be: "I knew I should have gone [..]"
[21] The proper construction for "enthralled" is "to be enthralled by something".
[22] And and and and and! Use commas and other coupling words! "She mixes both eggs in a small bowl, takes a frying pan from the oven, and turns the burner on to heat it up."
[23] Duplicate mention. See [22] for a fix.
[24] Bad preposition. You put things /into/ a pan.
[25] This feels a bit awkward to me as a noun. Suggestion: use a verb instead "[..] and admires the crackling it produces." Alternatively, restructure the sentence: "[..] and admires how it crackles."
[26] I'm not sure if "pouring" is a good verb to use in relation to eggs. Maybe simply "adding" would work better.
[27] This is... uh. Not how you should do descriptions. We already know she just threw it together, and this description doesn't really make it any more specific. How about something like: "[..] it looks rather messy." Substitute whatever you like better for "messy".
[28] Odd conjunction. How about "[..] showers all day, but it should start to clear up [..]"
[29] If the following word begins with a vowel (or sounds like it would), use 'an'.
[30] Beginnings of sentences should be capitalised.
[31] Guess what: Tenses.
[32] Bad tense. "[..] wish I had gone [..]"
[33] And again and again and again. Are you scared of commas? They're your best friends! "She grabs a nearby clean plate, nudges the eggs and bacon off the frying pan, and sets the food on the table."
[34] Does she have X-Ray vision or is her meal some kind of twisted cavernous structure that has holes to stare into? Use "at" to look at something.
[35] So... she /has/ eaten since yesterday afternoon? How about this instead: "She grabs a fork and gorges the food down as if she hadn't eaten for days".
[36] Uh. That's just a really bad sentence. "[..] she shouts in delight." would probably have been much better.
[37] Bad order. "There's always time to wash it later."
[38] That is not an adjective applicable to clothes, unless the clothes just happen to be outside, which most definitely was not your intent. The word is "outdoor".
[39] THE TENSES. THEY FLUCTUATE!
[40] Instead of "a", "one of these" (+ plural) would fit better.
[41] Pull the sentences together with a comma and add in a subject: "[..] with her fingers, then she notices [..]"
[42] Oh boy.
[43] What an odd thing to write. Are we in Narnia or something? Just write "[..] leading outside".
[44] You probably should put this "again" at the end of the sentences, since this probably doesn't mean what you meant to say. As it is, the sentence means: "I'll embarrass myself again if I forget my wallet. Most likely by holding up the line". If you put it at the end it means: "I'll embarrass myself if I hold up the line again because I forgot my wallet."
[45] They're multiple items, so it needs a plural.
[46] Missing subject.
[47] Are people dumping water from the roofs or something? Rain /falls/ from the sky.
[48] Odd structure. How about: "It looks kind of nice outside today."
[49] This is a bit confusing to me. Are you implying that people would just start walking on the road? I certainly don't, even if not that many cars go by.
[50] You already have the interjection of "but" later on. Drop this one.
[51] This might just be me, but I really like commas: "[..] round and round, trying to achieve [..]"
[52] "affect" as a noun does not mean what you think it does. You want "effect".
[53] "Though" does not fit here. Try "however".
[54] Awkward repetition of "only". Try "just" instead in this case.
[55] English has such a nice and rich vocabulary, make use of it! Marie groans, moans, sighs, grumbles.
[56] Are you sure you know what this word means? <http://www.thefreedictionary.com/grubbily>
[57] One of those "already"s is too much.
[58] It's "until" or "till", but not both.
[59] Your fear of commas is astounding. "Arriving back home, Marie slips off her rain boots [..]"
[60] Your usage of "and"s is astounding. "[..] boots, sets the bags on the floor, and proceeds [..]"
[61] Again already? See [60].
[62] You are missing a "to".
[63] Join sentences together! Don't use conjunctions at the beginning of a sentence unless you really know what you're doing!
[64] A missing comma, lost in the wilderness. Probably eaten by hungry word sharks by now. A truly tragic tale.
[65] Does anyone that actually plays games seriously use the word "navigate" for a dungeon? What is this, a sailing game?
[66] Missing determiner. Add "the" or "her".
[67] A car goes by. Multiple cars go by.
[68] You probably want "as" here instead of "and".
[69] This is pretty awkward of a constellation. Past tense would be better. "She defeated the main boss and [..]"
[70] Another lost comma.
So... how do we conclude this all. I suppose I should start out by saying that this isn't that bad of a start. There are a lot of basic writing mistakes in here, but those are rather easy to fix if you just get used to writing and keep yourself on the lookout for these kinds of mistakes. Read everything you wrote again at least once and make sure it all reads and flows naturally. You should be able to pick up on a lot of mistakes by yourself that way. The most serious flaw in this is that you mixed your tenses. Always tell a story in the past tense unless you really seriously know what you're doing, or it'll very easily lead to awkward and strange tense mixups. As I've also mentioned, the dialogue is rather weird to read as it isn't integrated into proper sentences most of the time, and when it is it gives the impression of her talking out loud, which makes the situation weird to read since she's just talking to herself all the time, instead of thinking. Now, regarding the story itself, it seems rather reflective of your own lifestyle. Which is fine, nothing wrong with that. After all, inspiration has to be drawn from somewhere. What I would like to know more of is... well, what kind of person is Marie? Does she have any friends? Why does she (seemingly?) live alone in an apartment just playing games all day? Does she have a job? How does she interact with other people? What is the town she lives in like outside of it being small? How did she get there? There's a lot that you can expand on, so I'll be looking forward to further parts in this. If you don't want to continue with this story, then that's fine too though. Let's see what else you can come up with in that case.